I went to a new doctor today near my home. It's so close that my wife dropped me off on her way to work and I walked home. As she drove off I took a deep breath of fresh air before opening the door to the office because I half expected there to be patients smoking in the waiting room, because that's what people do in Ottawa. It's nothing new to me. I was smoking and drinking wine in the womb before my birth, that is according to my mother. She even shared that my brother ate cigarette butts from an ashtray once as a baby. Delicious. It's always been around me and eventually I became a smoker. However, I'm a recovering smoker now and it makes it hard seeing it and smelling it everywhere. Heck, if the habit was benign to my health, odorless and cost nothing, I'd be sucking them down, too. You'd think in 2019 there'd be less smoking, but it's thriving here. It's a Phillip Morris dream. Fuck vaping. That's some weak millennial shit. It's all about burning tobacco and kicking it old school. Mmmm...Turkish domestic blend. I think the town is just behind on the times like the South and I expect to turn down a new alley one day and I'll run into a group of Insane Clown Posse juggalos drinking Faygo, wearing JNCO jeans while covered in face paint. YIKES.
There was a news story I saw last night that informed me that the new Illinois governor is making it illegal to smoke in a car while a child is inside. That'll be a challenge for the citizens in our town, because it smells like an early 2000s bar when within a block radius of the elementary school because moms and dads must hotbox a cigarette on the way to school. Driving or walking. It doesn't matter. I wonder if the teachers still smoke in their break room at the school like they did when I was young?
When I entered the doctor's office I found no one else inside, but a receptionist. She took my I.D. and insurance. I then followed her to a room with the beautiful art (above). Once inside the receptionist asked me if I was here for primary care, medical marijuana or both. I answered C. Then she tore off a sheet of paper towel from the wall (the kind that you can only use a half sheet if needed to reduce waste) and asked for my date of birth and name again which she wrote on the towel. Then, almost empathetically, she tells me I'll need to fill out some paperwork and I'll have to come up with $250 cash. I assure her that I can get the money. Then as if a large amount of endorphins were released by her brain she began grinning from ear to ear.
The receptionist leaves me and I was alone for quite some time. I heard a chronic hack, like a smoker's cough coming from a woman a few rooms away as I waited for Dr. Love. That's right, Dr. Love. Cue the Marvin Gaye music. Let's Get it On. The coughing subsided and a little more time passed and then I swear I heard Lucille Ball in the waiting room. It must've been that lady hacking her brains out. Jesus. Stop smoking, lady.
Suddenly Dr. Love enters. He asks me about my ailments. I tell him about my chronic pain and how it came about. He asks me about my hobbies, which I share. Then he tells me to keep doing them because they are great distractions from the pain. He actually listens and tells me that I'm a candidate for the medical card. He goes in depth at explaining everything. It's refreshing. He tells me that I will probably try a variety of methods when using the drug and it'll take some time to figure out what works best for me. From edibles to drops under my tongue, smoking isn't the only way to take it he tells me, but I imagine that's how the residents of Ottawa consume it.
Before finishing with me I tell him about my neck pain. He says it is stress and he makes me lie down. Easy, Dr. Love. Then he grabs onto my head and starts yanking my head back and forth and then cracks it to the right, then attempts to crack it to the left, but it doesn't give and I'm in agony. He tells me I'm fine, it's fine and that I'll feel better in an hour. I then go to the lobby for my paperwork.
Apparently, I needed that $250 cash at that moment. So now I'm in the process of completing that. It's like The Legend of Zelda, everyday. Once I collect enough rupees it's off to a new unexplored area on the map for another task to complete so I can hopefully obtain the magical elixir.
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