I'm Batman VIDEO

This post has nothing to do with CRPS or the DRG, but it's entertaining.

I had no idea what time it was because we still don’t have a clock in our bedroom. I knew it was early because it was still dark outside. I first heard what sounded like a balloon bouncing off the walls and my brain went straight to a ghost, since our home is haunted. After a few minutes I no longer heard the ghost so I dismissed that theory, kind of, and then I heard our dog walking around which my brain focused on. I forgot all about the balloon sound. Maybe it’s thunder keeping him up? Then I heard our kid telling the dog to go to bed. Soon he meandered into our room and I got up to escort him downstairs so he wouldn’t keep the house up.

I made it downstairs with a little bit of trouble because of a dry needling session I had the day before which left my leg feeling like a noodle (more on that in a later post, hopefully). My best friend and I got to the kitchen and I checked the clock. It was just before 4 a.m. Ugh. I let him outside and he took a piss on the gravel driveway instead of in the yard as usual, which is so weird to me. Then he came back toward the house walking all wonky like a seizure was coming on and I started feeling emotional. Poor guy.

We got back inside and he started looking at me like he needed water in his bowl. As I began filling up his bowl I saw what looked like an apparition floating through the room and I freaked out. I dropped to the floor in an instant. Holy shit! That’s no ghost I thought to myself, IT’S A GODDAMN BAT! OH MY GOD! On the ground I went full on G.I. Joe army crawl as if there was gunfire above, while my dog just stood there watching me, anxiously swallowing as loudly as he possibly could. He was never going to have a seizure. He was trying to tell me about the bat. He’s Lassie.

I found my phone and I typed “bat in house.” First thing I came across said to open a door. Duh. So I did. I also learned to stay close to the walls. I watched the bat as it flew ever so close to the open door over and over only to turn back the way it came. Idiot. I started thinking about The Great Outdoors. John Candy and Dan Aykroyd got geared up for battle while holding weapons consisting of tennis rackets, a broom and a net. Shit, I didn’t even know where a hooded sweatshirt was at that moment and we don’t have any tennis rackets. I remembered the Wiffle Ball bat being packed up for the move with the birthday and Christmas wrapping paper...wait we have a broom! As I got the broom from the closet I heard footsteps coming from upstairs and knowing it was my wife I yelled out, “Don’t come down here! Go back upstairs!” She then entered the room. FOOL! “There’s a mother fuckin’ bat!” I exclaimed. She just stood there just like the dog looking at me. Yeah, right, I’m the crazy one. I wasn't in the mood to assess the situation and question my behavior because the vermin continued it’s air raid from above. (Later, she told me that she thought our dog was dead because of the way I was reacting. Why would your brain even go there? That’s nuts.)

My wife reminded me that our kid has a butterfly net which she then retrieved from the garage. I don’t think we’ve ever caught an actual butterfly with it. Moths yes, but I don’t think the net has ever captured its intended target, let alone a flying mouse that probably has rabies. I didn’t want to get rabies shots like Meredith on The Office. Wait, like me she had her pelvis fractured in that episode...sorry, I got sidetracked. 

After a futile attempt by my wife to catch the bat, I finally put on my big boy pants and entered the Thunderdome, AKA the living room. Besides, I thought to myself, my wife still has a future and I’m already past expiration. I watched, no, I studied the Red Baron’s path. Made notes in my head. It was time to strike back. Now or never. And I took that net and reached for the bogy knowing I had this one shot...and I missed and then missed about five more times, but then on try seventh attempt I netted that fucker. FIST (FUCKING) PUMP! I’m Steve Irwin, bitches! I gleefully yelled out that I caught the beast and that I needed a glove to protect me from its frothing rabies infested mouth, ASAP. I swear I could hear the little bastard trying to chew through the net. Revenge was on its mind. Quickly, I got the bat outside and released it safely and I believe unharmed into the night. It was time to go back to bed. I can’t wait for my next adventure. 

And just as I was finishing up this post my dog was going bananas because someone was at the front door. I called down our nine-year-old to help with the dog, so I could open the door to two Jehovah's Witnesses that asked me if I felt God was responsible for the recent mass shootings. For Chrissakes, really? My dog is going bonkers and my kid is right here. It felt quite inappropriate and I declined to comment, because I'm looking forward to a better adventure. I don't think I'm going to be bored living here, though.