I hit the road early. I had a positive affirmation discussion with myself before I started, too, so I was ready when I was being tailgated within three miles of home. Our cars nearly traded paint while we were doing 70 in a 55. The driver didn't notice my car because her eyes were glued to her phone she was holding at eye level. For the love of God, get the fuck off your goddamn phone when you drive, assholes! The whole reason I'm going through this mess is because of a distracted driver. I tapped the brakes and she eventually backed off. Yosemite Sam knows. When I had my pep talk earlier I told myself, 'no middle fingers today, Rob. Swear to it!' I stayed true to myself. I also made that promise because people get shot on expressways in the city now and I flip the bird like it's an involuntary action, such as breathing. I've gotten better about it when our kid is in the car and I hold it just low enough that she can't see it from the backseat. Back in my hospital days my wife knew I was still me when I wouldn't stop flipping off the nurses. I had a one of those tubes jammed down my esophagus so using my hands was my only clear form of communication and I was damn clear about how I felt, often.
Stop-and-go traffic wasn't all that bad for after a holiday weekend and I made it to the city in a little over an hour. I even found parking without having to use my Bear spray on any other driver. I'm going to use that spray one day. As Bart Scott would say, "Can't wait!"
The waiting room at the doctors' office could be the setting of a Kurt Vonnegut novel. I saw the best rat tail you've seen since 1991. Cellular phones weren't muted and I kept hearing Candy Crush sound effects. Juicy. Every patient that entered the room was out of breath, groaning, like they just finished a 5K. That gets rough, especially when someone has tonsilloliths. There were four patients waiting to see the doctor, including me. Two had walkers and one a cane. I have nothing to assist me anymore, but I did use both of those and a wheelchair to learn how to walk again. The next patient to arrive was actually wheeled in on a stretcher. Now you see, this is an office in a medical building, not the hospital. Cane Woman to my right and I both said at the same time, "you see something new everyday." I called "jinx," and she owes me a Coke, now.
When my name was called, Cane Woman commented that I sprang up fast and appeared much too eager to leave the waiting room. Indeed, she was correct. I had my blood pressure checked first as usual. I still don't know what those figures mean, so I texted my wife to understand my results. She told me that I had elevated blood pressure. I blamed the waiting room. Then my doctor arrived. My doctor is a bro and he looks like Sean Astin. I've grown up watching Astin on the screen. From Goonies to Stranger Things. To me, he's the hero of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Frodo couldn't have destroyed the ring without Sam carrying his weak ass to Mordor (similar to R2-D2's relationship with Luke). I trust this doctor even more than most of my other doctors only because he looks like Astin.
First thing my doctor asks is how is the pain? I tell him I'm doing fine and he tells me, sarcastically, that I need to work on containing my emotions. I tell him that this is me excited and he just rolls his eyes and asks what I've been up to which leads me to my questions that I actually wrote down on my iPhone this time instead of forgetting them. I forget my questions because I'm starstruck every time I see him, because HE LOOKS JUST LIKE SEAN ASTIN! OMG! IT'S YOU!
1. I'm moving soon. Can I lift boxes/furniture?
- That's great news. 20 lbs. should be your maximum. No more than 35 lbs. It's the repetition that may disrupt the placement of the leads.
2. But wait, I remember when you removed my temporary leads and I gasped because I couldn't believe how long they were. Why are the leads so long then?
- They're long so they can move a little if they need to, but you don't want to bend or twist too much because they can become undone and may even break.
3. Can I see a chiropractor? My neck is jacked.
- No, let me see. I'm trained to do that, not chiropractors. Here do this.
OUCH.
4. Should I continue with my physical therapy?
- Let's see the range in your ankle. Your flexion looks to be about zero. Keep on doing therapy if you feel it's helping.
5. How much is replacing the batteries in my stimulator going to cost in the future?
- You won't need that for say five years and the technology will change so much that it's hard to say what they'll come up with next and the cost will fluctuate. Why?
Well, I feel like a drain on the system. I don't want to be that guy. I want to work. I want to contribute to my family and society and, right now, I feel like I'm doing nothing. I hate it, in fact.
- (Another eye roll) Without Medicare it will easily be at over 10k out-of-pocket, but probably much more. You have a severe chronic medical condition that's not going away, hence chronic. This is why we have Medicare. You'd still be in constant pain without the stimulator, right? Do you want the stimulator to fail or not? Do you want to go back to how it was before the stimulator?
No, yeah, what?..
- Stop. You are allowed this. This is why the system was created.
Fine [jerk].
6. How do I go about getting a medical card? With the change in Illinois law beginning January 1st and card holders can grow up to five plants...
- I can't get that for you, but you said you're moving. I suggest finding a new primary doctor out there that's not in our network. It'll take about three months to get the card approved, so I'd start looking now.
7. When do I see you again?
- Only when you need to. No follow-ups are needed.
FIST PUMP!
I'm home now. I made the trip by myself and nothing worst-case scenario happened, which is what I expect. I need some new literature on how to get started with this next hobby. I already grow tomatoes from seed so it can't be too difficult, right? Maybe I'll see if High Times is still a thing. I know Mad magazine just folded so I'm concerned that High Times may have as well. Is there a seed company like Burpee Seeds for marijuana? I need a catalog.
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