Google and Smart Phones, the All-Knowing Magic Annihilator

I don't know what that sign means either. This post is long and it won't be explained until the end. Good luck.

My latest medical appointment was yesterday morning in Oak Lawn Park. I could've probably drove myself, but I still don't feel comfortable driving in stop-and-go traffic, since it feels like I'm wearing a flipper on the foot that controls the brake and accelerator pedals, so my wife drove me. Just after we jumped onto I-88 we were greeted by brake lights, which is commonplace for that time of day. I immediately went to my phone and pulled up the Google Maps application and saw that it was only a slight delay (yellow) and I asked my wife "how do you think this app knows about traffic congestion and how is it able to estimate drive times so accurately?" I suggested the application is tracking everybody's phone. She said they have sensors in the road. I knew I could find the answer using my phone, so I did. Turns out that it's a combination of both, as wells as cameras strategically located along the roadways.

When we arrived at the hospital campus we found a place to park without incident. That rarely happens. Usually, it's a death race pitting adversarial motorists trying to occupy the same space at the same time. It begins with a stare down that has the potential to lead to fisticuffs over a parking spot under the right conditions, but not this time. There weren't even any characters in the waiting room of the pain clinic. Things were looking up for old Gil.

I met with yet another new Abbott representative. Again, she was a woman. I'm starting to think they only hire a certain type of human as their representatives because they all appear to be eerily similar. Katie, the rep, was on hand for the first DRG stimulator implant by Abbott, which was then owned by St. Jude, three years ago, so she has a lot of experience with the stimulators and patients' needs. I tried my best to explain my discomfort of the cold to the touch foot temperature and the tightness. She pulled out her iPad, connected to my stimulator using Bluetooth and went to work. Welcome to the future. A series of "can you feel this" and "how about now" questions quickly led to comfort in my foot/leg. My ankle area loosened up surprisingly fast, but still not completely. I've also noticed that my right foot still feels just as warm as my left ever since I left the office over 24 hours ago. I know it sounds unbelievable, and I'm skeptical about many things, but it really works. It is magic. The rep went on to warn me about twisting movements and lifting anything heavier than 15 lbs. I gave that shifty look to my wife, the 'Don't say anything' look and don't mention the falls on the ice. I know that I have a real problem listening to instructions. It's not that I don't hear them, I just don't listen to them. Katie then told me that the leads are still healing in place and the scar tissue may not be set so I need to be careful, because if the leads do shift I will have to have surgery again. So, I'm going to slow down and not continue to do things like lift 40 lbs. boxes walking backward up a flight of stairs or see how many bags of groceries I can carry from the car to the house for a new record. It's a good thing I didn't try to lift my kid up onto my shoulders when we visited LEGOLAND a couple weeks ago so she could see over the idiots blocking her view.

Next, I met with my doctor. He was tan from his vacation, but more on that later. He asked how I was doing and told me that in the future I could have the Abbott representatives meet with me closer to our home instead of us coming to the city for reprogramming. I think he was beginning the breakup process with me and that we'd only see each other when he wanted to. You bastard. Next, he had me lift my shirt...to check my surgery incision scab located on my back. I couldn't see him, but I heard that 'Oh, dang. That doesn't look quite right' gasp coming from him. He went on to tell me that it appears the wound isn't healing properly and I could end up having a hole in my back and that if we can see the battery through the hole, we will need to have surgery again. Goddamn. Then he asked if I would mind if a pain fellow doctor could also have a look at my scab. LOOK AT THIS EVERYBODY! THE FREAK IS BACK WITH SOMETHING ELSE YOU GOT TO SEE! Of course, I didn't care. I realize that I'm quite the specimen in the eyes of the medical community and if my pain and misery helps others, go for it. We are all in this together, right? I recognized this pain fellow doctor or whatever from my previous two surgeries to have the DRG stimulator implanted. After the show, My doctor began to fill out an appointment sheet for me to come back in a month to check on the healing process. As he wrote I asked my doctor if he could refill my amitriptyline prescription. Both he and the fellow looked at me and asked why I was taking that drug and I responded because of insomnia. Fellow suggested I take melatonin like he did and I looked right at my wife who basically said "I told you so [, dummy]." I excused her outburst and told her that the doctor, a man, was talking to me about important stuff and that this is mans' business (not serious). I agreed to try the melatonin and told my doctor to skip the RX.

My doctor handed me my paperwork and as he began to leave the exam room I asked him about his vacation. He looked at the fellow doctor who was halfway out the door and they laughed like two bros and then he shared with us that "it was heaven on Earth." He recommended that if we ever had the opportunity to go to the "Martian Island," or something like that. On the way home I began to Google 'martian island.' First, Google recommended a location on Mars, then I changed up my spelling and came across Mariska Hargitay who is the actress from Law and Order: SVU and then I found it when I added the words 'indian ocean' to 'martian island' into the search field. Mauritius Island is off the coast of Africa near Madagascar and it looks like paradise.

So what's the deal with the photo I posted? In Sugar Grove there is a horse farm and that sign on the cart is in a field located within a horse pen enclosure that we pass on the way home. We first saw it a couple months ago and I still haven't gone to the Google machine to find out why that sign is there or what it means. I want it to remain a riddle. In fact, I still watch reruns of "Unsolved Mysteries" late at night due in part to my insomnia. I told my wife that I bet one day a horse in that field was laying down, probably sleeping, and somebody saw the horse while driving by and thought that the horse was dead and called the authorities, so the land owner put that sign up to let people know that actually, the horse was alive. My wife looked at me and laughed out loud. I then proceeded to ask her what her giant throbbing with knowledge brain thought it meant. She admitted that she didn't know either, but she speculated that it's probably some band or a political statement, because it has those stars and stripes. We could look it up, but I'm going to hold on to the magic and not ruin another reality with the omnipresent Google.