Distractions

When dealing with chronic pain the best medicine is learning how to distract yourself. In three years I've gotten good at that, maybe due to my confirmed obsessive brain. Last night while watching the news, Wisconsin Lottery director Cindy Polzin said of the Wednesday's Powerball jackpot of $768 million, "this amount of money could buy 305 brats for every fan at Miller Park today." That got my gears turning and I pulled out my destroyer of magic, my iPhone.

Miller Park capacity is 41,900. I took that number and multiplied it by 305, for the brats, which comes to 12,779,500 bratwursts. I then divided the jackpot of 768 million by the 12+ million brats and came up with a price of $60/brat.

That couldn't be right. I decided to figure out how much taking the lump sum would be ($477 million) as well as after federal and the state tax of Wisconsin was accounted for. Luckily, I found an article on this very story and the total after all was paid, the winner would pocket $264,019,500...

$264,019,500 (lump sum Powerball winnings after taxes) ÷ 12,779,500 (41,4900 fans x 305 brats) = $20.66 (price per brat)

I took this new number and figured the price per bratwurst would still be over 20 bucks per sausage (above). I still feel that this price is too high and this lottery director isn't very good with numbers and, I don't know, shouldn't you be an expert at numbers when you work at the lottery? I'd think you'd want to boost your numbers as director which in turn would sell more tickets. I'm calling Miller Park later today and I'm going to find out what a bratwurst costs there. I'll let you know of my findings in a later update. At least baseball is back.

***UPDATE***

I was able to speak with a very helpful representative from the Milwaukee Brewers. A standard bratwurst is $6.50. However, I'll give Ms. Polzin the benefit of the doubt because the "Bratcho" (is that not the best name?) comes in a large helmet as a novelty item and it's about $22.

This has been a welcome and entertaining distraction today. Perhaps it's time to head north and bring home a new Brewers novelty helmet since mine has been missing in action for a year now. Mine came with cheese fries, though, and not the Bratcho, which I have to try now.

Google and Smart Phones, the All-Knowing Magic Annihilator

I don't know what that sign means either. This post is long and it won't be explained until the end. Good luck.

My latest medical appointment was yesterday morning in Oak Lawn Park. I could've probably drove myself, but I still don't feel comfortable driving in stop-and-go traffic, since it feels like I'm wearing a flipper on the foot that controls the brake and accelerator pedals, so my wife drove me. Just after we jumped onto I-88 we were greeted by brake lights, which is commonplace for that time of day. I immediately went to my phone and pulled up the Google Maps application and saw that it was only a slight delay (yellow) and I asked my wife "how do you think this app knows about traffic congestion and how is it able to estimate drive times so accurately?" I suggested the application is tracking everybody's phone. She said they have sensors in the road. I knew I could find the answer using my phone, so I did. Turns out that it's a combination of both, as wells as cameras strategically located along the roadways.

When we arrived at the hospital campus we found a place to park without incident. That rarely happens. Usually, it's a death race pitting adversarial motorists trying to occupy the same space at the same time. It begins with a stare down that has the potential to lead to fisticuffs over a parking spot under the right conditions, but not this time. There weren't even any characters in the waiting room of the pain clinic. Things were looking up for old Gil.

I met with yet another new Abbott representative. Again, she was a woman. I'm starting to think they only hire a certain type of human as their representatives because they all appear to be eerily similar. Katie, the rep, was on hand for the first DRG stimulator implant by Abbott, which was then owned by St. Jude, three years ago, so she has a lot of experience with the stimulators and patients' needs. I tried my best to explain my discomfort of the cold to the touch foot temperature and the tightness. She pulled out her iPad, connected to my stimulator using Bluetooth and went to work. Welcome to the future. A series of "can you feel this" and "how about now" questions quickly led to comfort in my foot/leg. My ankle area loosened up surprisingly fast, but still not completely. I've also noticed that my right foot still feels just as warm as my left ever since I left the office over 24 hours ago. I know it sounds unbelievable, and I'm skeptical about many things, but it really works. It is magic. The rep went on to warn me about twisting movements and lifting anything heavier than 15 lbs. I gave that shifty look to my wife, the 'Don't say anything' look and don't mention the falls on the ice. I know that I have a real problem listening to instructions. It's not that I don't hear them, I just don't listen to them. Katie then told me that the leads are still healing in place and the scar tissue may not be set so I need to be careful, because if the leads do shift I will have to have surgery again. So, I'm going to slow down and not continue to do things like lift 40 lbs. boxes walking backward up a flight of stairs or see how many bags of groceries I can carry from the car to the house for a new record. It's a good thing I didn't try to lift my kid up onto my shoulders when we visited LEGOLAND a couple weeks ago so she could see over the idiots blocking her view.

Next, I met with my doctor. He was tan from his vacation, but more on that later. He asked how I was doing and told me that in the future I could have the Abbott representatives meet with me closer to our home instead of us coming to the city for reprogramming. I think he was beginning the breakup process with me and that we'd only see each other when he wanted to. You bastard. Next, he had me lift my shirt...to check my surgery incision scab located on my back. I couldn't see him, but I heard that 'Oh, dang. That doesn't look quite right' gasp coming from him. He went on to tell me that it appears the wound isn't healing properly and I could end up having a hole in my back and that if we can see the battery through the hole, we will need to have surgery again. Goddamn. Then he asked if I would mind if a pain fellow doctor could also have a look at my scab. LOOK AT THIS EVERYBODY! THE FREAK IS BACK WITH SOMETHING ELSE YOU GOT TO SEE! Of course, I didn't care. I realize that I'm quite the specimen in the eyes of the medical community and if my pain and misery helps others, go for it. We are all in this together, right? I recognized this pain fellow doctor or whatever from my previous two surgeries to have the DRG stimulator implanted. After the show, My doctor began to fill out an appointment sheet for me to come back in a month to check on the healing process. As he wrote I asked my doctor if he could refill my amitriptyline prescription. Both he and the fellow looked at me and asked why I was taking that drug and I responded because of insomnia. Fellow suggested I take melatonin like he did and I looked right at my wife who basically said "I told you so [, dummy]." I excused her outburst and told her that the doctor, a man, was talking to me about important stuff and that this is mans' business (not serious). I agreed to try the melatonin and told my doctor to skip the RX.

My doctor handed me my paperwork and as he began to leave the exam room I asked him about his vacation. He looked at the fellow doctor who was halfway out the door and they laughed like two bros and then he shared with us that "it was heaven on Earth." He recommended that if we ever had the opportunity to go to the "Martian Island," or something like that. On the way home I began to Google 'martian island.' First, Google recommended a location on Mars, then I changed up my spelling and came across Mariska Hargitay who is the actress from Law and Order: SVU and then I found it when I added the words 'indian ocean' to 'martian island' into the search field. Mauritius Island is off the coast of Africa near Madagascar and it looks like paradise.

So what's the deal with the photo I posted? In Sugar Grove there is a horse farm and that sign on the cart is in a field located within a horse pen enclosure that we pass on the way home. We first saw it a couple months ago and I still haven't gone to the Google machine to find out why that sign is there or what it means. I want it to remain a riddle. In fact, I still watch reruns of "Unsolved Mysteries" late at night due in part to my insomnia. I told my wife that I bet one day a horse in that field was laying down, probably sleeping, and somebody saw the horse while driving by and thought that the horse was dead and called the authorities, so the land owner put that sign up to let people know that actually, the horse was alive. My wife looked at me and laughed out loud. I then proceeded to ask her what her giant throbbing with knowledge brain thought it meant. She admitted that she didn't know either, but she speculated that it's probably some band or a political statement, because it has those stars and stripes. We could look it up, but I'm going to hold on to the magic and not ruin another reality with the omnipresent Google.

FINISH HIM!!

I received a message from one of the Abbott representatives yesterday. She wanted to know if I needed one of their reps to attend my upcoming doctor's appointment so I could be "reprogrammed." I began to ponder my existence like those robots in Westworld. Is this real? Do I have freewill? Or am I just following my program!?!

When my DRG stimulator is adjusted for the amount of electrical therapy I receive they use the term 'reprogram.' Like I mentioned before, I think they put a cap on the amount of stimulation I can control which has made my mind wander. Do they fear I'll become an electricity junkie and I'll just keep increasing the power? Soon I'll make the jump to sticking forks into electrical outlets just for a fix. Perhaps I'll become God-like such as Raiden from Mortal Kombat. I think he had a small part in "Big Trouble in Little China." I think I'll have some Chinese food tonight...wait, did I make that choice or was that part of the program?

Stimulator Settings

My appointment with my doctor on Monday had to be moved to next week, not by me, but by my doctor's office. Maybe my doctor needs a vacation from his vacation or perhaps they are still trying to locate him on that private island in the Indian Ocean he told me that he was visiting. I hope he didn't go to that forbidden island where that missionary went to spread Christianity last November and the people there took him out with bow and arrows.

It's too bad I didn't have that appointment, because I've been feeling some discomfort from the chronic regional pain syndrome, or CRPS, in my foot. During my last appointment I asked the Abbott representative if I could change the settings on the stimulator and she gave me the green light. She went on to tell me that since the surgery we will have to adjust the power quite a bit since my body is continually adjusting to the stimulation. I'm not sure if the Abbott reps set a cap on how much electrical stimulation I receive, but my remote cannot go any higher than "61." At that last appointment the rep set it at "54" and yesterday I cranked the stimulation in my foot to "58." It has since helped with the burning nerve sensations as well as the cold foot temperature. I even had to nuke Sweaty Buddy again in the microwave to help warm up my foot. Also, while I slept last night I had one of those debilitating foot/leg cramps. The cramps wake me like how I imagine a fire alarm would in the middle of the night. It's jarring and NOW. The cramps occur when I stretch or even just rest my leg in a certain position for too long. My leg and foot will cramp up so badly that it mimics the appearance of a scorpion tail or as if I'm trying to stand on my tiptoes like a ballet dancer. To stop the cramping I immediately have to stand up and push down on my knee to relax the muscles in my leg.

This morning my leg and foot are feeling better. I'm looking forward to the next few days as temperatures will continue to rise.

Just Dance

Scrapbook material for only $15!

Tonight was the big night, the father-daughter dance. I hadn't practiced my dances so I was a little nervous. The last time we played "Just Dance 2019" was about two months ago. First we danced to Abba's "Dancing Queen." Afterward, we had our photo taken as you can see above. I realize that I got into the wrong business of photography with photojournalism, because that photo (above) was a 5x7 and we also got 2 wallets all for the low price of $15.

My daughter found her friends and danced while I took a seat with the other fathers. I told them about my cybernetic gear and two of them felt the battery pack in my back. I explained how it's helped and my experiences up to now. The night began to wind down and we danced to Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" before my daughter ran out of energy.  Thankfully I was spared the "Chicken Dance" and "Everyday I'm Shuffling," even though I really am. It was time to head for the exit.

We had left our coats on the floor under a table while everyone had placed their coats on top of one single table in a hallway outside the gymnasium, that way we could quickly find our coats and beat the crowd... but again as usual, it didn't go as planned. Our coats were no longer on the floor and there were now two tables with piles of coats. We began to dig through the piles as if we were participating in a Double Dare physical challenge. My daughter thought she found her coat right away, and after a few minutes I finally found mine. Then my daughter realized the coat she found wasn't hers. It was the exact same coat, but navy blue and not black. I began to dig some more. My kid went straight to, "I bet someone took my coat thinking it was this one." "No, no. They wouldn't have," I replied, but I knew she was probably right. I kept digging. That flag had to still be up inside that giant oversized nose somewhere. Soon my father friends who I had said goodbye to ten minutes ago entered the arena looking for their outerwear. "Your life is like Seinfield," said one of them. I corrected him, "more like George Costanza." We waited until every last coat was accounted for, except for the doppelgänger navy blue Columbia winter jacket with Omni Heat. In the end we were down one coat. My daughter left wearing my coat and luckily she had picked out a shortsleeved polo for me to wear for the dance so I was totally prepared for the rain and 40 degree temperature. I was assured by a concerned PTO member that a Facebook post would get the word out and hopefully we haven't seen the last of that new coat that was supposed to last her this year and next.

Oh, I didn't feel much, if any, pain this evening. I forget to mention that when I first posted this entry.

UPDATE: the missing coat has been located and plans have already been arranged to secure it!

The Bloodbath

What is the Troop Number?

This afternoon I volunteered to drive up to Sugar Grove to secure an order of Girls Scout cookies for my wife's troop. No, I wasn't looking to score points. I was bored and it's actually warm today, so I wanted to get outside.

When the temperature is above 35 degrees I have a much easier time getting around. I can even feel the gas and brake pedals much better so I feel confident that I can complete the task safely without putting others at risk either. I use cruise control a lot.

Driving to the Girl Scout store involves driving on the same road I was nearly killed on for most of the way to Sugar Grove. In fact, I used to photograph vehicle wrecks involving fatalities on Route 47 when I worked for the paper. I was reminded of this when I saw some of those white crosses on the side of the road. I'm so happy one of those wasn't erected for me. Personally, I don't like those crosses. I understand that some people may like them, but for me I don't like being reminded of tragedy. I actually met the guy who puts those up all over the area and now, throughout the country. I asked him if he'd do a story about it 10 years ago, when I worked at the Kane County Chronicle, but he declined. We were doing a story on him because he was building an electric car. I saw all the crosses in his garage and asked him about it and he just did not want to discuss it. Nowadays, he's the one being interviewed at scenes of tragedy, because he's the cross guy.

When I arrived at the Girl Scout store there were two other men picking up cookies too. The man in front of me was asked, "what is the troop number?" He did not know. He was failing. Ask me, I thought to myself. I know! I opened up the email on my phone while waiting just to be certain, and yes I did know it. Finally, I got my turn and everything went as smoothly as it could. Yes, my wife lets me leave the home unassisted, because I'm handi-capable.

Back in the car and back on the road and it was time to rock again. The main reason I wanted to take on the errand today was so I could listen to music at high volume while driving. Who knew that stock stereos in Outbacks, the contemporary station wagon, could rock so hard? I can't wait for summer.

LEGOLAND

Block Obama at LEGOLAND

Even though I'm getting back to my average of going on a two-mile daily walk, today was the ultimate test of my DRG stimulator... crowded spaces full of other humans. We took our daughter to LEGOLAND Discovery Center in Schaumburg to celebrate her ninth birthday. Once we entered the building there was a backup of humans waiting in a long line ready to drop $20+ per person to enter this brick built indoor LEGO playground. UGH.

The first room was great filled with model skyscrapers of Chicago and other local iconic landmarks, but they also used Duplo and Systar System aliens to attack the city just like in The LEGO Movie 2. It was enjoyable recognizing all the Easter eggs the builders hid throughout the build. Not so much fun was the crowd of children and grown men not paying attention to their surroundings. My kid is a lot like me and she wasn't feeling it and nearly had a meltdown, but my wife talked her back off the ledge and back into the experience which helped me regroup as well.

Before lunch we made our way to the theater for a 4D movie. We were handed used 3D glasses, probably covered in conjunctivitis, and then found a seat. I started to become anxious. I've experienced a 4D movie before and I know they have those seat buzzers. I imagined getting poked right where the stimulator battery is located in my back and then I'd scream out in pain, but it never happened. Instead a mist kept falling from the ceiling that felt like somebody kept sneezing on me, so I started thinking about influenza. I wanted a SARS mask and to wash my hands so bad. However, I did enjoy watching the kid next to me as she kept reaching out to grab the images she saw on the screen only to smack the back of this man's head as he sat in a seat in front of her.

Eventually, we found ourselves in a room with a play area and rides. The floor was littered with LEGO parts. I watched a worker use a broom to sweep up the fallen parts into a dustpan. I bet when no one is looking they put those bricks back into the giant bowls of parts for kids to build with. While my family waited for a ride I people watched. Kids younger than two wandered around by themselves without any supervision. I watched two workers assist one of them which filled me with a little hope. Adults mostly stared at their phones or used their phones to take vertical video of their children doing something they'd never watch in the future. I did witness one adult unable to understand how to lift a simple latch to exit an area. The building inside smelled like halitosis and dirty shoes everywhere. The bathroom there played classical music with the addition of simulated fart sounds. Why? 

...but, in the end we did enjoy the experience and as my wife pointed out to me, I never hit the proverbial brick wall that I usually succumb to and have to remove myself from our outings. Nope, I kept going. Even when I stepped on one of those rogue bricks on the ground with my right foot I didn't scream out in agony. Can the DRG stimulator actually help me this much?..

YES WE IT CAN!