My follow-up appointment with Dr. Sean Astin-look-alike was today and what I learned was interesting and a little shocking.
First, I met with a new resident doctor. I told him about the effectiveness of the last sacroiliac joint injection and how I still had minor discomfort in my lower back. I shared that I’ve really been going all-out and that we recently went rafting. He appeared jazzed about that, but did warn me that the leads in my back could’ve moved due to the rowing motion and that I had to be careful, but he also understood YOLO! He took notes and asked if I wanted a visit from the on-site Abbott representative, which I happily agreed to because it had been a couple years since I had my stimulator adjusted and a firmware update.
Enter Dawson, the Abbott Representative 🎶I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over🎶
Dawson reconfigured the DRG stimulator and added a new third software program. I asked Dawson how much my device was turned up compared to the average patient and he said that it was relatively high. This was the justification I needed. I started shaking my head up and down thinking ‘see, I told you, my shit’s all fucked-up real bad like!’ I asked if having the stimulator turned up like that would reduce the battery-life and he confirmed that it would, but that it still should last another 2-3 years.
Exit Dawson
My wife and I sat quietly waiting for my doctor. As we waited we overheard a man in the adjacent room say his pain level in his knee was a 9 out of 10 and his back was at an 8. That’s really bad. Like, moaning that you want to die bad. I know, I’ve been there. There’s worse things than dying. Then before entering my room I overheard the resident tell Dr. Landphair Astin my issues and concerns before entering and disclosing I went whitewater rafting and we heard them laugh.
Enter Dr. Samwise Gamgee (aka Sean Astin, Mikey Walsh, Rudy, Bob Newby, etc.)
Doc asked how I felt and I shared what he already knew. He was pleased that the second injection had extended my pain relief and suggested that I try taking 600-800mg of Motrin three times a day for a month and to schedule another follow-up appointment a month out. According to him the Motrin should reduce the lingering inflammation. If it did I could cancel the appointment, if not then I need to keep the appointment and we could try something else. I asked if taking that much medication was safe. That’s when my wife spoke up and said I don’t like taking drugs. Then I interrupted her to say unless, of course, it’s the magic ganja and added that I don’t want to rely on any kind of drug because people like Pharma Bro are just waiting for me to get addicted so they can jack-up the price. For real. My doctor rolled his eyes and told me I’d be fine.
Next, he pulled up my x-rays he ordered back in April and saw that one of my two leads had migrated, meaning it had moved and wasn’t providing any relief. This also means my stimulator is operating at 50%. However, since I’m still getting some noticeable relief my doctor said not to worry about it for now and called Dawson to shut down the disconnected lead remotely, saving more battery-life. There’s no telling when it became compromised, just sometime before the x-ray in April. My wife suspects it probably happened when I complained after doing some sit-ups a while back when I was trying to get back my pre-accident Brad Pitt of Fight Club washboard abs. Or when I fell on that icy hill in January. But, who knows when it happened? Nor does it matter. At least the other didn’t come loose when we were rafting.
As we left the office I reached for my wife’s hand and sparks flew...err, a spark. We went a few more steps and I did it again. It seems the adjustment of my stimulator has given me Raiden-like static electric powers! I kept shocking her until she gave an audible yelp and I finally stopped. I’m looking forward to learning how to harness this new found superpower. Until then I will have to distance myself from highly flammable materials. No more pumping gas for me. Time to go electric. I mean, have you seen those prices at the pump?
End
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