Here We Go Again

Remember Domino Rally? I never had a set but I wanted the deluxe set featuring the rocket launcher.

Well, I didn’t want to, but I began the process of visiting with my pain doctor after a three year hiatus. 

Since January, after a slip and fall down an icy hill (see previous post) my piriformis muscle, or butt muscle, has been giving me trouble. It feels like Ben Affleck beat me down with his “FAH Q” paddle as seen in Dazed and Confused. Not like a single hazing, but every single day. I thought it’d go away by now, but it hasn’t. It hurts every time I bend my waist. I fear sneezing. Also, sitting on hard surfaces is awful. I would benefit from one of those inflatable donuts used for a broken tailbone or hemorrhoids that could double as a pool floaty, preferably in pink.

My DRG stimulator doesn’t help with my piriformis in any way. However, before I was considered a candidate for the stimulator, I received five nerve blocks in my lower back that unsuccessfully gave me any relief, except for this very same pain-in-the-ass that I’m experiencing right now. Knowing this pain can be resolved, I decided to call my doctor and make an appointment to discuss another potential nerve block.

Sounds like no big deal, but it’s a HUGE deal for me, because I’m anxious AF. First of all, my doctor is all the way downtown at Rush. This means I have to be chauffeured by my wife because I can’t physically drive in stop-and-go traffic. (I probably shouldn’t be driving at all due to my foot drop and half my foot is numb. I can’t feel the pedals very well. Once, one of my doctors asked me who cleared me to drive and I told her she signed off on it and I instantly saw guilt on her face. That’s right, YOU DID THIS! Shame on you!) Second, I’ll be around people at the hospital. Like, a lot of people and they’ll probably be breathing. GROSS. At least masks are still required at medical facilities. Third, this is the initial visit, which means at least one more trip back. And finally, what is this going to cost? Can you believe some countries have free healthcare? Absolute madness!

While I’m worried, I am looking forward to seeing my doctor because he’s good at his job and, as I’ve mentioned before, he looks like Sean Astin, which makes me think about The Goonies, the LotR trilogy, and Stranger Things. When is that coming back? See what I mean!?! My doctor is the best. I also plan to discuss the battery life left in my stimulator because if I can get a two-fer deal in one shot, let’s do it. BOGO! Doc, while you’re injecting me with anesthetic just grab a scalpel, cut me open and replace my batteries with those new fancy rechargeable ones all in one shot. Perhaps I can save some time, money and stress. What do you say?

So, I scheduled my appointment and now I wait for two more weeks to pass. Anxiously. Please stay tuned and in the meantime, send me your thoughts and prayers because they really do make all the difference, but not really at all.