The Dog Days are Over (they ended Saturday)

 

It's been 62 days since we moved back to Newark and there have been numerous challenges, but Here Comes the Sun[flowers] 

The DRG stimulator in my back has been put through the wringer for the past two months and, like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going and going and going... I was instructed by my doctor not to overexert myself, nor lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk in the first year after surgery. Since it has been 18 months since surgery, it's now time to go balls-out! (That idiom probably doesn't mean what you think it does, just like "over a barrel," which just sounds filthy. I learned the origin of that one recently after looking it up when we were negotiating the price of our new home with the sellers, i.e. the sellers put the buyers over a barrel.)

The first challenge we overcame together as a family was living out of boxes for 53 days. I am okay feeling cramped and uncomfortable for a spell. I once lived in a pantry during college. The dimensions of the pantry were approximately 5 feet by 9 feet. A friend built levels for me, like Cosmo Kramer’s vision for his apartment from the Seinfeld episode, The Pony Remark. The room was a real tight fit. I had a clearance of about 18 inches between my bed and the ceiling. I could hear squirrels, or perhaps it was rats, crawling about the ceiling and walls early in the mornings. They were my all-natural alarm clock. That pantry still felt more spacious than living at my in-laws with boxes piled floor to ceiling. Trying to move about in crowded spaces is the pits, especially for a no longer able-bodied person. It’s no wonder my average daily walking distance during that time dropped to about two miles.

At the beginning of August we visited Devil’s Lake and that’s when I really started challenging myself physically. When the pandemic began we figured our annual camping trip would have to be canceled, but Wisconsin don’t care. Originally, we planned on going to one of the coasts or Colorado. We made our campsite reservations back in May, thinking if we needed to back out, no big deal. We ended up going and believe it or not, tent living was a nice getaway from box living. 

Camping during the pandemic was different. The bandanas our daughter designed for our vacation doubled as a mask this time and we used them just for that. This year’s theme she came up with was “Camp Covid.” We didn't mask up full-time, but some of the hiking trails are narrow and at the top of the bluffs things can get crowded. Most hikers were not wearing masks, but that didn't really concern me. What did, however, was the bathrooms at the campgrounds. If this virus is airborne (has that been confirmed yet?), I don't want to share a communal bathroom. Fortunately for me, I used the handicap accessible restroom with a shower. This made me feel a little safer from the virus. Now, I know I look normal and you'd think nothing is wrong with me if you didn't know me, so every time I would exit the restroom I did so very slowly, half-expecting a line of wheelchair-bound persons outside the door just waiting to use the special bathroom and then I'd feel real shitty. Or I imagined Tonya Harding's ex-husband lurking in the shadows waiting to take my knees out like he did to Nancy Kerrigan in 1994 as retribution, since it appears that I don't have any special needs.

There was only one time that the private bathroom was in use and I had to use the 'commoners' bathroom. You better believe I wore a mask. While in that bathroom I noticed someone had scratched "Fuck Obama" into a dispenser. You could tell that the bathroom had been painted and remodeled within a year (we go to Devil's Lake that often). It's weird thinking that someone feels that much animosity toward our forty-fourth president and here I am at Camp Covid wearing a mask to protect myself from a goddamn potentially deadly virus that could have been contained if we actually had better leadership. Christ, this country and the people that live here.

In the end, I personally hiked an average of four miles a day and climbed 75 floors. I am very proud of that accomplishment, considering I didn't use a cane and I still have foot drop.

Two days after our trip up north, my wife and I went to donate blood. It's something I do because had others not donated blood when my accident happened, then I wouldn't be here today. I had 3+ transfusions after that accident. That's a lot of blood, man. Also, the American Red Cross now tests for COVID-19 antibodies. I suspected that I may have had the virus since I came down with something over the winter. I didn't think it was the flu because I get a flu shot every year, not only to protect myself, but because the Jewels gives you a 10% off coupon when you get vaccinated at their pharmacy. Anyhow, when we entered the donation site together, my wife was booted for having a temperature of 99.7 for precautionary reasons, but they let me donate. I found that baffling. I mean, we live together. If she's got the COVID, then so would I, but whatever. I filled the bag that held my unit of blood in 4:44. Even the phlebotomist was impressed. I said it's because I can fist pump harder than the Jersey Shore bros. My antibody test came back negative in the end.

We closed on our house just over a week ago and we are still partially living out of moving boxes while we have new floors installed, which is currently happening. In fact, it's very loud and the workers like to sing along to songs on the radio, including works by the Goo Goo Dolls, Dolly Parton, Pearl Jam and, surprisingly, Elle King's Ex's and Oh's. BTW, fellas, she's got electric boots, not boobs. The home is a small ranch, but the yard is dynamite with plenty of space for a couple honey bee hives (so after I establish the hives, I can teach my dog how to shoot bees from his mouth when he barks.) The house is much smaller than our Ottawa home, but it's definitely our forever home. We knew eventually that we'd have to downsize, but I didn't think it'd be after only 11 months, but when opportunity knocks you should answer. The previous owner built the home in 1975 and the fixtures are still here today. We will be updating, but have a look below. Still in the home are four home phones (including one in each bathroom next to the water closets) and multiple thermometers inside and outside of the home, as well as clocks everywhere. FANCY. My wife thinks that perhaps the previous owner did a Time & Temperature service over the landline telephone like Kramer pretending to be the Moviefone guy. Yes, that's right, another Seinfeld/Kramer reference! It's a shame Michael Richards had that racist rant while doing stand-up back in 2006. I can't look past that, just like when I hear/see a Subway commercial and all I can think of is that Jared Fogle sexually exploited children.

Moving is the worst. Like I said last time, I will never do it again. This time around we didn't ask the same suckers friends that helped us last year, instead we asked different suckers friends from in-town. Honestly, if not for them, I think I would've killed myself and I'm grateful for all the help they provided. Just hours after our closing I started moving items. I didn't wait for help to arrive. I was carrying the equivalent of 12 gallons of milk at a time so I didn't have to make so many trips. I continue to believe that I am as strong as I was pre-accident, which is FALSE. The stimulator provides some pain relief, but it definitely does not make me stronger or even half of what I used to be. And the foot drop slows me down like Frankenstein's monster. About an hour in, it felt like I had a hangover and no matter how much water I drank, I was still thirsty. The way I saw it, the more I pushed myself, the sooner I'd be done, but that just made me more exhausted. Then the help arrived and I took a break.

Since the start of August my walking distance is trending in the right direction again, averaging 3.2 miles daily.

Uh-oh, someone is a fan of Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know. He is hitting those notes like a BOSS!

That is all for now. Take care of yourself and each other.