Crunching the Numbers

Thankfully, 2020 is hours away from completion. I have heard many people talk of how awful this year has been and I concur. But just imagine being old or, say, disabled and listening to people complain that they can’t do anything and they’re sick of being at home all the time. Boo-hoo. I apologize, the airing of grievances holiday was 8 days ago. Here’s some figures from 2020 that I came up with:

NOTE - this is all completely pointless, including the numbers provided below, except for my walking distance. That's some real substance there.

# of empty Fireball bottles found littered in 2020: 247; 240 found in LaSalle County and 7 in Kendall County

This started out as a joke when we lived in Ottawa and I quickly became obsessed. Collecting them made my walks more entertaining and I'd imagine a backstory for each find while also cleaning up my community. I am able to see the empty bottles of alcohol easily because I'm always looking down. You see, I need to watch my feet so as to not trip over them due to my foot drop. On top of that, the nerve damage makes it quite difficult to feel the ground. Also, spotting the red cap and safety yellow-colored label with fire-breathing demon make them stand out over other discarded containers. They pretty much emit a glow that I can see from a distance as if they were helpful items in a video game that mustn't be overlooked.

I don’t count the bottles unless I’m able to retrieve them and dispose of the waste properly. So, unless I see a glass handle of Fireball, my self-proclaimed Holy Grail, on the side of the road while driving, I will not be stopping to recover every hotel mini-bar bottle I see. However, I will come to a screeching halt if I see the glass bottle. Just like I would if there were a family of ducks crossing the road. (I have a soft spot for birds, because remember they are dinosaurs.) Even if there were a semitrailer tailing me too closely, because fuck semi trucks. Never forget: Me 1, Semis 0.

# of Cubs playoff wins in 2020: 0, again.

The Cubs haven’t won a playoff game since their last NLCS appearance vs. the Dodgers on October 18, 2017. The game before that win, Carl Edwards Jr. walked, then LA pitcher, Yu Darvish on 4 pitches to force in a bases loaded run. Remember that? Good times! Oh look, Darvish was traded to San Diego earlier this week.

If that’s not bad enough, the Bears haven’t won a playoff game since January 16, 2011, against a sub-.500 opponent, the Seattle Seahawks. The following playoff game on January 23, was against the Packers that I covered from the sidelines where Aaron Rodgers landed on top of me in the north end zone just past the pylon, uninvited mind you, and broke my film camera. If anyone ever tells you that greatness doesn’t just fall into your lap, please let them know they are mistaken. It literally happened to me. 

I don't foresee Chicago winning a playoff game anytime soon even if they miraculously defeat Mr. Rodgers and the Packers on Sunday nor if the Cardinals lose and the Bears back their way into a post-season spot.

# of moves my family made this year: 2

I’ve discussed this ad nauseam. Briefly though, moving is the pits. If you don’t have to move, don’t move, especially during a pandemic. Thinking about those potentially COVID-19 infected people touching my stuff still creeps me out.

# of days I’ve been alive: 15,018

# of days since we’ve had the Treeing Walker Coonhound: 4,637

The dog and I have been together for 30.87% of my life. And no, I have nothing to do with hound's Twitter account. I'm not Tyler Durden.

# of books read since January: 5.23 definitely not enough

• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer Twain
• Damned Palahniuk
• Doomed Palahniuk
• The Invention of Sound Palahniuk
• Point B Magary
• Don Quixote Cervantes (currently reading)

3 of the 6 were Chuck Palahniuk novels. I know I need to broaden my horizons. This count doesn't include trade paperbacks, young-adult novels (I get recommendations all the time and sometimes I oblige), kid, picture, art books, etc. I’m sure I’ve read more books, but my TBI messes with my memory and attention span.

# of video games completed this year: 6

• NHL '94
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Turtles in Time
• The Last of Us 2
• Legend of Zelda 3
• Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
• Hyrule Warriors 

Again, 3 of the 6 were the same type. That's because The Legend of Zelda is the greatest video game franchise ever created, contrary to my kid's declaration that Pokémon is. Oh, and 4 of the 6 I had already beaten decades ago.

Pokémon card game record in 2020: 36-33-01

The kid and I tied once and I started looking into if that was actually possible - to tie that is - and it is, but you’re supposed to do a sudden death round which we didn’t. As I looked more into the official rules of the game I began to feel weird and I found myself asking, “What am I doing, man?” Like an addict asking that question to their reflection in the mirror and I stopped going down that rabbit hole cold turkey. 

My record is only above .500 because the kid plays me like a fiddle. If she wanted to, I'd have only won a handful of games. She handicaps me so I keep coming back for more. Like a Pokémon Bobby Fisher.

# of puzzles the family has put together in the past week: 3; 2 Christmas scenes and 1 Pokémon for a total of 2000 pieces

# of shows started and did not finish in 2020: 12 (that I’m aware of)

• Ozark S3 - We started the series this year, but lost interest. I did enjoy the way Laura Linney would belt out “CHAROLETTE!” I think that’s why we watched it so long.

• Schitt’s Creek S1 - For the name alone we tried it.

• Fargo S4 - We still plan on watching this.

• Space Force - Lotta big names here and I'm still waiting for something to happen.

• Black Mirror S1 - I'll stick with The Twilight Zone, which reminds me, I need to watch the Jordan Peele iteration.

• The Boys - I should like this, but, yeah...

• The Man in the High Castle S4 - This was the final season and I've invested some serious time into this show so I feel the need to complete this eventually.

• The Watchmen - I may return to this, but what was with lord dick science guy and his clone people he destroys? Also, does he live on Mars or something?

• Westworld S3 - Waning interest after season 1 and painfully made it though the second season.

• Curb Your Enthusiasm S10 - This is modern day Seinfeld and I'm neurotic like Larry David so I'll return to it. A big reason for many of the unfinished HBO shows was due to our HBO Max subscription ending. The main reason for that sub was to watch Last Week Tonight in its entirety, because watching only the main story on YouTube leaves you wanting more. Once the season ends, so does our sub.

• The Society - I have no clue what this is, but my wife said we tried it. TBI?

• Hunters - I'll stick with Mindhunter, but go ahead and kill all the nazis that you can.

# of shows started and completed: 7 (that I’m aware of)

• It’s Bruno! - There is no way to explain this one. It is not actually good, but I watched it all.

• Tiger King - This was like what I suspect watching the first moon landing was like and only because of COVID-19 lockdown. Everybody watched.

• It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia S14 - The gang could be in a hospice facility and I'd still watch their adventures.

• Silicon Valley S6 - What happened with Mucinex/Dead Pool bartender guy with all the drugs?.. Erlich Bachman!

• Homecoming S2 - Drugs that induce memory loss thing got me interested in this one. Memory loss is terrible, even if it feels that sometimes it'd probably be best to forget tragic events. I think erasing memories only stymies growth. There are many things in my lifetime that I'd like to forget, but I wouldn't be me if I could just erase it.

• The Mandalorian S2 OMG. - Boba Fett has been redeemed. That Fett episode, The Tragedy, was directed by Robert Rodriguez and he used his kids and some of his toys to mock up the action scene before production. If I were a doll an action figure collector and I got the opportunity to meet Mr. Rodriguez, I'd first compliment his work and next ask him how could he have blown up the Razor Crest? You like SW toys, right? Because when that occurred it was if 28,181 voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced after remembering they purchased this $349.99 toy earlier this year. Was that some kind of Rian Johnson Last Jedi reference of tearing it all down?

• Better Call Saul S5 - Jimmy was great in Breaking Bad, but better in this. And Moff Gideon makes appearances.

My wife and I would begin a series with high-hopes and tell each other how if we stick with them we will be rewarded. Then after a few episodes we'd would bail and go back to Family Feud with my man, Steve Harvey. He’s always gotta good one for you multiple times a night and I swear I’ve yet to see a rerun which is astounding.

As of this writing, we are giving Arrested Development another shot. In the past I said the hand-held camera bounce made it unwatchable, but now all shows do this and I'm used to it. This time is promising because we are now eight episodes in. The turning point for me was when The Fonz appeared on screen as the Bluth family's attorney. I've always said to my wife that our lawyer looks exactly like Henry Winkler.

# of movies watched in a theater this year: 2

• Rise of Skywalker
• 1917

I saw people discussing what movie they first saw ever in the theater and their last on the Twitter earlier this year before the pandemic. For a moment I thought Rise of Skywalker was my last and I thought to myself, “Wow, how cool! My first movie was Return of the Jedi and my last was ROS. I’m the coolest [geek] ever!” But I forgot all about 1917.

# of Terminator movies made: 6 And the percentage of those that are actually worth watching: 33%

We watched Terminator: Dark Fate a week ago. In an alternate reality, after successfully killing John Connor, we find Schwarzenegger’s terminator character has a family and even owns a business named “Carl’s Draperies.” Yes, really.

# of days since I had my permanent DRG stimulator installed or as I like to refer to it, my cyborg birth: 685 or 4.56% of my lifetime.

I wonder when the battery will need to be replaced? Will it beep? Will the unit self-destruct like a starship overrun by aliens in deep space? Cool. 

Average # of miles I've walked daily in 2020: 2.4 or 878.4 miles, approximately, for the year. 

This is fist pump territory. This is an increase of 3/10 of a mile per day over last year, which was 2.1 per day. My average dropped dramatically in October as I was projected to be at about 2.6 miles per day for the year. However, I started multiple home improvement projects and my slipped disc re-activated when I removed the mallard wallpaper from the basement and installed new trim throughout our home. My back has since improved and next month I’ll be begin removing terra cotta tile with a scraper and hammer drill. 

Happy New Year! Get vaccinated and then party like it's 1999.

I was really going to go all out and hire Robert Stack to do a voiceover for this post but he passed away 17 years ago. Then I looked into Dennis Farina and he too left us seven years ago. I couldn’t afford them anyway, just like I can’t afford to pay someone to edit my ramblings. Instead, here is someone I saw cosplaying as Boba Fett at Star Wars Celebration Chicago in April of 2019.

If this is your first visit here, welcome. This is more or less a journal for myself and what it’s like to live with chronic regional pain syndrome. The best way to describe what it is like to live with CRPS is the meme of the dog drinking coffee and everything is on fire and its response is “This is fine.” It feels like my leg is on fire and the more credence I give it, the more it hurts. I’ve found that the more I distract myself, the less pain I feel. This blog is one of my many distractions. On that note, I truly apologize for the bad editing and the poor usage of words. I never studied to write or actually claim to know anything of importance. However, one day I'm going to sit down and actually learn how to use hyphens correctly. I promise.

I’ve been thinking about my dental issues that I wrote about recently after coming across that Tweet:

“Many people with CRPS develop swollen gums and brittle teeth. Some reports suggest that 75% of people with CRPS have dental issues.”

My conclusion after some more thought: Yes, I have CRPS, but that’s not the reason my teeth are in decline. I mean, if I really wanted to go QAnon-like conspiracy deep I could connect the two, but I think that it’s much simpler or, from a certain point of view, more complicated depending on how you look at it.

First off, we moved to that home in Ottawa last year that had lead pipes and we needed to drink filtered water. After some investigation, I learned that the type of water filter our refrigerator used had removed most impurities including fluoride. Up until we moved to that home I drank tap water like it was free. Public water departments like to add fluoride to your drinking water as well as LSD (check out Wild in the Streets if you would like to know more). I rarely used the Brita filter — as seen in that article I linked — because it’s a pain-in-the-ass to use and the photojournalist just needed to illustrate the story quickly and move onto another assignment. Why does the filter annoy me so much? Who wants to pour water through a pitcher and wait for it to filter? Why not call me on the telephone next. Ahoy-hoy.

NOTE - If you have a Brita water filter have no fear, I have learned that it leaves most of the fluoride in your water. However, I didn't look into the other additives.

Secondly, all that medical cannabis I was consuming to help with my insomnia, which has since improved from last year, would leave me dehydrated like the sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon. I’m talking pre-special edition sarlacc when it had no fast-moving beak and resembled something else entirely. If you look into what that creature symbolized back when Return of the Jedi premiered (first movie I saw ever at Meadowdale Cinema!) and knowing what Lucas was going through at that time which led to a divorce... ICKY. I will provide no link to this theory or images. Anyhow, how about that Boba Fett return? If you are one of those that says that’s not possible, let me tell you something ***CLEARS THROAT FOR GEEK VOICE*** back in 1991 according to Dark Horse’s comic book series Dark Empire which takes place after ROTJ, we find Boba Fett is still alive after the sarlacc finds him “somewhat indigestible.” I know it’s not canon, but seeing Mando come blasting out of the krayt dragon’s acidic mouth with his jetpack in this season's first episode, clearly a precedent has been set... Oh, where was I? That’s right: DRY MOUTH = CAVITIES. Pot, aka weed or ganja, whatever you want to call it, makes me like desert thirsty and it gets bad. Even the tonsil stones (more gross) have increased ever since I started using the Acapulco gold. I’ve since cutdown on my intake of the Maui wowie, since it leads to dry mouth, which leads to cavities… and I now have a surplus of Bubba Fett. Anyone interested in a season two finale watch party of The Mandalorian next week? Ah, but Covid-19. UGH. I can’t wait for that vaccine. Spring Break 2021 here we come! Or 2022!?!

Finally, the last thing I point to as to why I had that bad dental checkup last month is because I did a poor job of taking care of my teeth as a child. I still remember being bummed out when my old man scoffed at the price of an in-home soda fountain machine after we watched a demonstration at Spring Hill Mall circa 1990. If he could've gotten over the sticker shock of the initial price, that machine would've paid for itself in a week if he realized how many cans of pop I went through in a day. Back then I was really living the Buddy the Elf lifestyle. LIKE A BALLER. Speaking of Buddy, Happy Holidays!