You Gotta Pay the Troll Toll

Today’s forecast called for potentially dangerous storms, but my family and I still went for our planned visit to the Morton Arboretum anyway. For over a year we’ve passed by the arboretum along Route 88 and that troll (above), that reminds me of Danny DeVito, has been calling to me like a siren. If I wasn’t in my current state I would’ve climbed atop the troll’s shoulder and I’d be his Hogarth and he my Iron Giant... a short Danny DeVito giant troll that is. I imagined Danny would come to life and awkward laughs would follow.

Unfortunately, my imagination is only just that and I had to walk my sorry ass on uneven ground across open fields and through forests on a sultry Sunday afternoon. We hiked over five miles and I'm feeling it now, but I must say that it was all worth it. You see, I could just sit at home and be pissed off and angry at the world about what I can't do anymore, but life's too short and it never rained either.

It's a Brick House

Knock on wood. I'm probably jinxing this, but whatever. My wife and I are nearing age 40 and by God, we are actually going to buy a home... that is as long as the sellers don't do something ridiculous. Why do I say that? It's happened two times already in the past three months.

One of those two homes was listed as having all-new electrical that still had knob and tube wiring which was last installed in homes during the 1940s. We called in an electrician that estimated updating the home would cost $25-35k. That family is moving to D.C. because the husband will be working for Beto's campaign doing illustrations or some visual arts work. Four years ago he worked on Bernie's campaign, which surprises me because of that whole socialism thing and yet they tried to slip one by us. I guess we aren't in this together.

Anyhow, this potential first home of ours in the city of Ottawa is 20 miles from the town where we reside now. The population there is over 18,000 which is 18 times the size of our current town's population. No big deal for my wife and me since we grew up in a city of over 100k, but we are concerned about how our kid will react even though she's been gung-ho about moving to this new area.

I'm sharing this because we will actually be in an area where there are more opportunities for our family to experience life outside of rural 'Merica and for me to walk/hike/bike more, which, after everything that has happened, is very important to me and this is my journal. Even though I go out for walks constantly, you can only walk down to the stop sign at the far end of town so many times without wanting more.

The Illinois & Michigan Canal which once connected the Great Lakes to the Mississippi River travels through Ottawa. The canal has been converted into a bicycle/walking path that is 96-miles long. An actual bike path! Five years ago I think I caught two people having sex wrestling in the backseat of a car parked next to that very path in Joliet during the dead of winter when I worked for the newspaper. I was there trying to photograph snowmobilers using the path for a surefire riveting February story.

There are two great parks near the home, Matthiessen and Starved Rock State Parks. And did I mention we will be living in an actual city? I am looking forward to walking my dog and finding the shady part of town where the addicts with the sunken eyes roam the streets like zombies. I can play the guessing game of 'Drunk, Stoned or High on Crack?' Maybe we will get that second dog, an Irish Wolfhound, after all. There is a cemetery near the home and I wonder if I can walk the dog there or if society frowns upon that? Like if he marks a gravestone, is that bad karma? What if he defecates on a grave? I do clean up after him, but should I just avoid the graveyard? I can't wait for this new adventure to begin. This better happen this time.

Stairs and Ageism

Today at therapy I listened in on a lively conversation about the "Bachelorette" between two patients, who I'll call Mike and Carol, and a couple of the therapists. There were some strong opinions. I didn't partake because the only reality shows I watch are Jeremy Wade's "Dark Waters" and "American Ninja Warrior." In fact, back when I was recovering in 2016 I had visions of trying out for the show, not because I thought I could actually compete, but my hashtag was my hook: #HitInTheFaceByTruckNinja. Bad ass if you ask me.

Anyhow, Mike, who I'd guess is about 65-70, was on the table to my left, recently had knee surgery and he couldn't stop groaning in agony and cursing. He also couldn't stop talking about this 'broad' on the "Bachelorette" and how it didn't matter how intelligent she was because when you're 'hot' like that it doesn't matter. During one of the awkward silences induced by Mike's thoughts, I asked my therapist if he lived in a multi-level home. (I asked because he also suffers from issues related to a similar type of accident that I was in.) My therapist said that he indeed did. I asked if that concerns him as he gets older. As he started to explain, Carol, who is about the same age as Mike, who was on the table to my right, interjected herself into our conversation to tell me that I don't need to worry about stairs at my age. I tried to explain why I was concerned, but she didn't have time to listen and just said move into a ranch house if it's such an issue. WTF?

I was starting to realize these two fellow rehabilitation clients had no patience for me. The one time I was spoken to I was basically told to be quiet. Mike never even acknowledged my presence... but he has pain that you or I could just never understand. Goddamn old people. You'll never know what it's like to be them because they have lived longer..?

Left Foot, Left Foot, Right Foot, Right

You may wonder why I posted this and I question it, too. But, I wanted to show a symptom of CRPS, or complex regional pain syndrome. Symptoms include the obvious pain, but also temperature change, swelling and hair loss. I have too much hair (thank you genetics), so if it's falling out it can't be missed.

During a recent therapy session, my therapist was mesmerized by my twitching nerves in my calf. I haven't given much attention to the back of my leg lately because the stimulator has dulled that pain. I began to watch and couldn't believe all the constant spasms that are always happening. Then I noticed the hair loss on my leg. I went over to a mirror to get a better look and I got weirded out. My right leg is going bald and it's smaller than the left, since I favor the other due to pain. I was happy being blissfully unaware of my grotesque right leg. I think I hate that leg more, now. YOU HIDEOUS MUTANT-LIKE DEFORMED LIMB! YOU'RE PATHETIC! LOOK AT YOU! I HATE YOU AND YOU ARE STUPID!.. but, please, get better.

For CRPS sufferers: I have had all of the symptoms of CRPS and it still took over two years to actually be diagnosed with the disease. In fact, last June a doctor told me that there hasn't been any swelling in my leg so he still didn't want to diagnose me with having the disease. I shared with him that my former physical therapist and a colleague doctor of his (who thought I had CRPS within a week of seeing me for the first time just after the accident) prescribed me a steroid which actually reduced the swelling over a month-long period in April of 2016. My ankle was swollen to about softball size. He didn't care, because all of the symptoms weren't present. Another doctor figured I just had a slipped disc, since I favored the left leg over the right. I had to get two more MRIs to show that I didn't have a slipped disc. Since CRPS is a clinical diagnosis of exclusion it can be frustrating for someone who has it, because your relief is put on hold until there is certainty by the medical community. They'd rather prescribe you opioids and leave you in a stoned haze, rather than get to the bottom of your issues. I can attest, though, that it is worth it to jump through hoops for the help that the DRG stimulator has provided for my pain relief. It's still not perfect, but it's much better than the first three years of living with the disease.